celebrity letters

dear will ferrell,

2006-07-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

we regret to inform you that the comedy bureau has revoked your funny license. apparently, it's been revoked since anchorman but you never received the notice written well before the concept of a nascar comedy was conceived. apparently, lorne michaels has been trying to reach you for years.

sorry for the inconvenience but we believe, at this point, it is best if you just cease and desist.

sincerely,
the bearer of bad news

p.s. please don't shoot the messenger, although i fear that even the mention of these words might have just inspired your next movie. wait, what if i play a messenger... who gets shot! then, like, he (me, will) can spend the rest of my life hunting down the person who shot me. now that's pure comic gold.

dear billy wagner,

2006-07-07T11:17:00.000-07:00

funny thing, i did a little search on the all-star roster for you and look what i found:

what happened? inquiring minds want to know.

love,
m. b.

dear phillies,

2006-07-02T11:09:00.000-07:00

stop sucking. really, stop.

-m.b.

Dear Dustin "Screech" Diamond,

2006-06-21T20:05:00.000-07:00

I saw your website and read the story about how you might lose your house to foreclosure. Although I feel for you and think that no one should be forced out of their homes, I'm not going to buy one of your damn t-shirts. I hope that you realize that there are far more personal things I would rather spend my money on than helping a washed up television star who probably made millions before he was 21, but all of a sudden doesn't have any of it left.

Take it from someone who has never made more than $25,000 in a single year: Don't go wasting all of your money. You might need it one day.

Sincerely,
Scott

P.S. I realize that you made a cameo appearance in "Made," one of my all time favorite movies. Although that does buy you some points with me, I'm too poor to deal with your problems.

Dear Britney Spears (again),

2006-06-20T14:25:00.000-07:00

I saw parts of the primetime interview you gave this past week. I take back everything I said in my last letter. No one is behind you anymore. You're just a plain old idiot.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but what can I say? I'm suburban and we might be more harsh than those who are "country."

Regards,
Scott

dear bobby clarke,

2006-06-19T20:54:00.000-07:00

catch the game tonight? did you enjoy it? i bet it was nice to see a good game like that. the teams played really well and every moment was exciting. didn't rod brind'amour play well? justin williams scored. recchi got an assist and threw some big hits.

it's every hockey fan's dream to win the stanley cup. i know you did it 30 years ago. i bet it'd be nice to do it again. i bet the flyers might have even been there if you had made some effort to keep brind'amour, williams and recchi. remember when recchi offered to sign for less than he was making just so he could stay with the flyers? i bet you don't, you douche.

oh, and, hey, congrats on signing marty fucking murray.

love,
m. bolton

dear ben roethlisberger,

2006-06-12T20:32:00.000-07:00

you fucking idiot.

i hope you're ok.

-m. bolton

dear hipsters,

2006-06-02T07:34:00.000-07:00

tech savvy trendsetters of the 21st century, i implore you, let 2005 be 2005.

you put a twist on mind-numbing instant messaging contractions and created a somewhat fomalized written hipster slang. for a year and a half, every instant messaging conversation and blog post contained phrases like "natch," "sitch," and "hott" -- because, let's be honest, an extra t really drives the point home.

worst of all: obvs.

i guess, on some level, it was clever and witty. the trend has run its course though. please take it off life support and let the already fragile entity die a natural and long-overdue death.

<ironic html tag>i'm serial guys. so serial.</ironic html tag>

thanks,
m. bolton

Dear Britney Spears,

2006-05-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

It's okay, Britney. Everyone knows that it's your husband that is ruining everything. Please, just come out and admit that you made a mistake by ignoring EVERY other person on Earth that said this guy was going to cause nothing but havoc.

As much of a bad wrap as you get, I have to admit that you don't completely deserve it all. Driving with your baby on your lap in the front seat of your car? Okay, you have to take the full brunt of that one. Just outright stupidity, but I don't trust any school systems in the south... so maybe not completely your fault. But just for argument's sake, we'll just label that as "your bad."

The high chair falling apart leading to your son taking a tumble? It sucks that little K-fed took the fall, but I'm not going to start pointing fingers at you. You responded well by firing the person in charge of the high chair (I guess?) and the police only showed up thanks to all of the media coverage. I once fell down and hit my face on the coffee table while my aunt was watching me. I ended up with a black eye, but these things happen and my aunt shouldn't be blamed for everything.

And how about the "stumbling" incident? I mean, who doesn't stumble? I do it on a regular basis. I almost fell down my steps yesterday. Luckily, I didn't have a baby in my arms or 1,000,000,000 photogrpahers snapping and publishing every second of my near-fall. Nothing happened, it was a near miss, and I think it sucks that the media converged on it so quickly (YOUR stumble, not mine).

Now what about driving with your baby allegedly facing the wrong way in his car seat in the back of the car? Well, everyone was so quick to jump on that one that they didn't bother to do the research. It seems that you knew what you were doing being that the law only applies to babies over a certain weight limit which little Spears hadn't quite reached yet, meaning that it was completely safe.

And where is Poppa during all of this? Why haven't you gone public with what everyone already knows: He SUCKS! What everyone in the media is overlooking while bashing you for being such a horrible mother is that you are being a great mother by keeping your son AWAY from his idiot father.

Now don't get me wrong, I think you're an idiot. I mean, come on, how could you not know things would get like this? And what's with the show you guys had? Watching that was similar to watching what goes on in the minds on chimpanzees - not that I ever watched it. So it's no secret that you're a moron, though, again, that may be explained away by remembering you're from Louisianna. But I do think you get somewhat of a bad wrap in the motherhood department. For a complete numbskull, you seem to be doing okay.

Just do us all a favor, something I think will save your image and your career: Just come out into the open and tell everyone that they are right and that you're going to take a stand for yourself and kick your corn-rowed parasite out of your house. I'm sure he's got some "homies" that will put him up in their "cribs."

Sincerely,
Scott

dearest virgin,

2006-05-13T07:44:00.000-07:00

i will gladly help you in your quest to get laid.

sincerely,
m. bolton

Dear Mo Rocca,

2006-05-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

We (the television public) demand to see your contract. You must either have the hardest working agent in the biz, or Satan and your soul are clearly involved. It is beyond comprehension how someone so talentless, annoying, and completely unfunny is on TV as much as you. I'll call it the Bob Saget effect - to the 10th factor.

I can only guess someone else writes your material. But how can that be possible when you've been on so many different shows (and the jokes are just as lame)? VH1's I Love the 80s (all three incarnations), Things I Hate About You, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, that "America's Worst Kitchen" show, guest appearances on Countdown with Keith Olbermann and Larry King Live. Should I go on?

Ah the piece de resistance - former editor of Perfect 10 magazine. It boggles the mind.

Your jokes are not funny. Your voice is grating. I "get" the nerd look, but it looks too natural on you. Gilbert and Louis were funny because the nerd look was over the top. You look normal, and it's not funny.

I'm not going to get into your name. I'm assuming it's a stage name, and we'll leave it at that. I'm sure it's something like Gordon Shumway.

The day I see you in a "comedy hit of the summer" with either Ben Stiller, Will Ferrell, and/or Adam Sandler - I'm slitting my wrists.

-King of Big Wheels

dear richie sambora,

2006-05-12T07:37:00.000-07:00

awwww, good fah you.

love,
an undiscovered soul

dear david blaine,

2006-05-08T18:58:00.000-07:00

you're a fucking freak and you creep the hell out of me.

love,
m. bolton

p.s. you owe me 7:08 of my life back

dear katie holmes,

2006-04-24T19:46:00.000-07:00

how's your thetan levels? how about the baby girl's? you been e-metering suri up? i'm sure you have.

i think i'm going to follow douglas adams. i've always liked his science fiction writing. plus mos def was in one of his movies! can you think of a better deity? or, maybe i'll follow benderism. i've always liked futurama. but that's neither here nor there.

so, here at the celebrity blogs labs, we've broken out our ti-82s. after 2 hours of playing snake, we ran a few figures. if the numbers are correct, i project that it should take about 14-18 months before you crack.

how it'll happen, we're not sure. most likely are these scenarios:

1. the denise richards route: you realize pappa's a douche. sure, he can play the part if he really wants to but, when you most need him, he'll be leather jacket-clad and flying his plane across the globe to record shitty action movie after shitty action movie. ok, to be fair, in charlie sheen's case, leather jacket-clad = coked up, flying his plane = fucking strippers, shitty action movie = threatening to beat you up.

finally, after a year plus of raising both sets of kids on your own, you'll find yourself lonely and at a loss. you'll divorce him. he'll profess his love by jumping on more furniture. next, you'll have a restraining order placed on him. if you're lucky, you'll end up with a slight dependency on pain killers and all your post-birthing playboy money will go to legal fees.

2. the renee zellweger route: one of you will realize he's gay and the relationship will come to an abrupt end.

3. the whitney houston route: like a bad, old fashioned religious marriage, you'll realize you're trapped. you'll want to divorce tom but he won't let you. so, you'll smoke a little pot, snort a little coke and, before you know it, you'll be a full fledged crack head known for phrases like "hell to the no."

tom won't be on drugs but, let's be honest, he's crazier that bobby brown and way more sober. he may not kick your ass and you may not be a diva. still, you'll both be as fucking crazy.

love,
someone who once contemplated renting the gift

dear dallas cowboys,

2006-03-18T20:32:00.000-08:00

ashton kutcher could never have punked you this good.

you've just been kicked in the nuts. suckers.

enjoy,
m. bolton

Dear Vin Diesel,

2006-03-09T07:21:00.000-08:00

I was going to write you a nice letter informing you how much I've enjoyed your stellar career over the years, but I'm pretty sure you probably can't read. So I won't waste my time.

Sincerely,
Scott

Dear Jimmy Fallon,

2006-03-06T11:01:00.000-08:00

Why does anyone like you? Do people really think you're funny? There are very few things I have witnessed you being a part of that were actually funny - and you were certainly not the reason why.

Okay, okay, so to be fair, I didn't see your movie with Queen Latifah called "Taxi." But, I've gotta tell you, that's mostly because I have a mind that tells me when it thinks something is going to be worthwhile doing, or seeing. I think the day "Taxi" came out, my mind decided it would be better to punch myself in the groin hard enough to merit a hospital visit. I have no regrets about this decision.

I just cannot understand why people liked watching you on Saturday Night Live. Maybe I missed the press release saying that SNL now encourages their actors to laugh through every sketch they are in. In that case, bravo Jimmy. You out-shined everyone in that department.

And where do you get off dancing with Parker Posey in a Pepsi commercial? I like Pepsi and I like Parker Posey, so you can imagine my disappointment to see this commercial starring you, Jimmy. Okay, so you dance kind of funny; maybe enough to even make me giggle a lit bit. I can't help but wonder, however, who had the ideas for those dance moves. I also wonder how many takes you went through before you could keep yourself from laughing your butt off, even if at something no one else though was funny. Maybe Horatio Sanz was on the set that day, and we all know that you two can't be anywhere near each other without making yourselves laugh in front of a camera. My heart goes out to Parker. Please, someone tell her she's above all of that, because I don't think she reads this blog anymore.

So, Mr. Fallon, I wish that you would enlighten us all with your secrets of success. I know that it would be foolish to believe that maybe I could one day achieve enough success to co-star with Queen Latifah one day, but every little bit of advice would help. And as you can clearly see from this letter, I'm not all that funny, but that never stopped you!

Thanks,
Scott

dear rachel ray,

2006-01-04T12:44:00.000-08:00

listen here, you smuggly queer, queen of cuisine:

i don't have a lot of time, but i do have an appetite - for destruction.

every day you make it seem so easy, with your presorted spice portions and delicious delicacies; you've even taken it so far as to try to tell me how to spend my leisure time and money by keeping my fun under $40.

here's the blunt of it, ray: fuck you.

i will eat what i want, when i want, where i want - and if my finances supply means for fast food or even a sit-down place where the waitresses wear name tags, SO BE IT.

if i want to microwave my goddamn dinner, SO BE IT.

if i don't make my fucking broiled stuffed chicken breast with spinach and something else that looks all sorts of...yummy...and perfectly golden...and a handmade chocolate bundt cake...with real cocoa sauce...and umm...hey, sorry i just drooled on your stupid jogging pants.

you can take your dumb hair, and your stupid kitchen, and your fucking perfect life, and you can bread it, fry it, cut it up, and CHOKE on it as far as i'm concerned.

no one is that happy. not even god.

yours,

a-lister

dear dick clark,

2006-01-01T09:42:00.000-08:00

you used to kind of annoy me, the way you never aged or showed visible signs of wear and tear. the music you talked about sucked and every new year's eve was like groundhog's day (bill murray style, of course.)

but then i saw you on new year's rockin' eve last night. that shit was sad. i didn't understand half of what you said and you looked kind of bad. the kicker came when you messed up the countdown. you were one second ahead of the clock.

now, i'm a cynical dick. it's true. ask anyone. even my brother will tell you that i am. but, i couldn't help but feel a little down when i saw you that way.

get better, yo. new year's just wouldn't be the same without you. take that to mean whatever you want.

cum gravitas,
m. bolton

dear terrell owens,

2005-11-08T20:14:00.000-08:00

wow. you're fucked.

love,
someone who just gained a good deal of respect for the eagles organization

dear ty pennington.

2005-10-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

bad news, friend.

i checked into, and unfortunately, murdering you could still mean a good five to ten for me (i'm going light on that considering i'm cute and white, though).

the good news is, the word is still out on whether or not spontaneous combustion is possible.

so i've got that going for me.

yours,

a-lister

dear george takei,

2005-10-28T07:20:00.000-07:00

i find it very interesting that you chose today as a day to admit you're gay. it is curiously timed with about the fifteen-year anniversary since the last time anyone gave a shit about you.

congrats,
m. bolton

dear houston astros,

2005-10-26T07:23:00.000-07:00

wow, you guys really blow.

sincerely,
m. bolton

dear foxy brown,

2005-10-19T15:49:00.000-07:00

hhhhheeeellllllllllllooooooooooo!

can you hear me?

didn't think so.

just checking.

-m. bolton

dear bette midler,

2005-10-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

just a quick list of some things i think of when your most popular exploit comes to mind:

puke
slutty
fucking gay
children working in sweatshops
terrible
showing of your talent
overtheshoulderboulderholder
cheesey
turn it off
my lord Yahweh why are you doing this to me
pile of crap
rape of american society
the opposite of feminism
bunny rabbits - run over by cars

congratulations on a job well done.

yours,

a-lister

dear brad pitt,

2005-10-14T11:54:00.000-07:00

you knew you would be getting a letter soon. you just didn't think it'd be from me.

good for you. seriously. i think any man with a compass needle that points north in the direction of beautiful women (yes, i'm aware that north does not equal up, but you get where i'm going) would tell you that you made the right decision. your new lady friend is beautiful, young, seemingly smart, proactive, sexually aggressive, very sexually aggressive, and concerned. and don't forget the lips. god, those lips.

plus, she's a little crazy. you've got to admit, that's kind of a turn on.

i knew you and the old hag would break up eventually. i remember seeing you on a late night talk show -- i think it was conan -- a few months before you were being photographed making out with your new woman and you tore into the bitch. it was awesome. you insulted the way she slept, the way she whined (god i hate that fucking "i'm-a-cute-anorexic-girl-so-give-me-what-i-want" whine), and her silly little tv show, friends.

which reminds me, have you noticed that your ex doesn't actually have friends? if not, read people. you'll find out. when you dumped her sorry ass, she got the pity friendship from cox and her retarded husband. then, vince vaughn tried to get in her pants. that's it. all she's got left is an open invitation on oprah's couch.

you go guy,
- m. bolton

dear bill o'reilly,

2005-10-13T13:45:00.000-07:00

Happy Anniversary!

Yep, it's been a year already since you shelled over the big bucks to that crazy insubordinate of yours who had the audacity to sue you for sexual harassment.

I'm writing to let you know that I forgive you for your transgressions. After all, it is the day of atonement. (I'm not a Jew, but I know tons!) But mostly, I forgive you because you hilariously interchanged the words loohah and falafel, and it is memorialized for posterity in official court documents. Yes, you offered to put falafel on woman's "pussy."

Mazel tov! Z

P.S. Brownish people make me nervous too.

dear ryan reynolds,

2005-10-13T12:50:00.000-07:00

hey. how's it going? pretty good here. just kickin' back, thinking about how ironic life is in general.

not about the fact that you're from canada, because son, i been to canada, and if funny people come from anywhere, it's vancouver.

and not so much that you've starred in films about frisky college co-eds or career servers, because on the whole, that shit is pretty laughable.

maybe more about how a funny guy comes all the way from canada to the states (i know, it's really far) and triumphed with substantial comedic roles, becomes friends with some other funny guy, and starts creating a big name for himself, only to find himself marrying perhaps the most unfunny canadian of them all.

isn't it ironic?

a-lister

p.s. dontcha think?

dear andy milonakis,

2005-10-13T11:43:00.000-07:00

if my memory serves me correctly, brian posehn referred to you as a "fat, retarded midget" on the first episode of the showbiz show.

that's all i've got.

-m. bolton

dear jude law,

2005-10-12T16:52:00.000-07:00

Ouch, what a year!

First pictures of you surface on the internets that paint you in a light that was, well, it made you look hung like a fruit fly. Then your kid catches you boffing your fat nanny. Then you beg your skinny bird of a fiancee to take you back, only to find out that your friend and future James Bond has been making her scream louder than you ever could (presumably, we've seen your package, remember?).

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that despite your unfortunate size problems and inability to keep someone satisfied, there will always be an empty half of a bed and a cute young attorney's heart with your name on it.

Kisses, Z

P.S. What can I say? I'm just not a size-queen.

dear paris and nicole,

2005-10-12T13:06:00.000-07:00

let's not get into semantics over who's still getting married, or who's hungrier at the moment.

we're more interested in your professional exploits. didn't you both have individual albums coming out?

can't wait to stay up all night waiting for tickets to your shows. what? you don't perform live?

...why not?

catch you on the slant,

a-lister

dear jessica simpson,

2005-10-12T11:40:00.000-07:00

how come you always have that there's-a-finger-up-my-ass-and-i-sort-of-like-it look on you every time the paparazzi catches you on camera.

no rush. just get back to me whenever you have a chance.

thanks,
m. bolton

dear chris meloni,

2005-10-11T23:54:00.000-07:00

would you mind terribly if i licked
your chest?

yours (ALL yours),
kasey

dear cher,

2005-10-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

i know i don't express myself often enough to you. so, i thought it was time that i told you how i appreciate your favor of disappearing from the limelight. i know it must've been hard for you, keeping your awful songs to yourself. alas, your efforts have not gone unnoticed. in my heart of hearts, you are a hero. and for this, i love you.

true, you may have a case against me. you may remind me that you are working on a new movie slated for (straight-to-video) released in 2007. this much would be accurate. but, starring alongside tim allen and britney spears can only mean one thing: nobody will see it. even when you're not trying to, you still manage to fly under the radar. you're amazing.

xoxo,
m. bolton

dear kevin spacey,

2005-10-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

You seem like you have a lot on your mind. Is there anything you wanted to tell us?

Just curious.

By the way, a non sequitur: Today is National Coming Out Day!

Kisses, Z

dear tom cruise,

2005-10-11T12:24:00.000-07:00

it's unbelievable how much you blow.

p.s. you ain't her baby daddy.

heart,

anne