dear will ferrell,

we regret to inform you that the comedy bureau has revoked your funny license. apparently, it's been revoked since anchorman but you never received the notice written well before the concept of a nascar comedy was conceived. apparently, lorne michaels has been trying to reach you for years.

sorry for the inconvenience but we believe, at this point, it is best if you just cease and desist.

sincerely,
the bearer of bad news

p.s. please don't shoot the messenger, although i fear that even the mention of these words might have just inspired your next movie. wait, what if i play a messenger... who gets shot! then, like, he (me, will) can spend the rest of my life hunting down the person who shot me. now that's pure comic gold.

dear billy wagner,

funny thing, i did a little search on the all-star roster for you and look what i found:



what happened? inquiring minds want to know.

love,
m. b.

dear phillies,

stop sucking. really, stop.

-m.b.

Dear Dustin "Screech" Diamond,

I saw your website and read the story about how you might lose your house to foreclosure. Although I feel for you and think that no one should be forced out of their homes, I'm not going to buy one of your damn t-shirts. I hope that you realize that there are far more personal things I would rather spend my money on than helping a washed up television star who probably made millions before he was 21, but all of a sudden doesn't have any of it left.

Take it from someone who has never made more than $25,000 in a single year: Don't go wasting all of your money. You might need it one day.

Sincerely,
Scott

P.S. I realize that you made a cameo appearance in "Made," one of my all time favorite movies. Although that does buy you some points with me, I'm too poor to deal with your problems.

Dear Britney Spears (again),

I saw parts of the primetime interview you gave this past week. I take back everything I said in my last letter. No one is behind you anymore. You're just a plain old idiot.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but what can I say? I'm suburban and we might be more harsh than those who are "country."

Regards,
Scott

dear bobby clarke,

catch the game tonight? did you enjoy it? i bet it was nice to see a good game like that. the teams played really well and every moment was exciting. didn't rod brind'amour play well? justin williams scored. recchi got an assist and threw some big hits.

it's every hockey fan's dream to win the stanley cup. i know you did it 30 years ago. i bet it'd be nice to do it again. i bet the flyers might have even been there if you had made some effort to keep brind'amour, williams and recchi. remember when recchi offered to sign for less than he was making just so he could stay with the flyers? i bet you don't, you douche.

oh, and, hey, congrats on signing marty fucking murray.

love,
m. bolton

dear ben roethlisberger,

you fucking idiot.

i hope you're ok.

-m. bolton